| Aristophanes Index |
PHILO
CLEON
A man of Sybaris fell from his chariot and wounded his head most
severely; he was a very poor driver. One of his friends came up to him
and said, "Every man to his trade." Well then, go you to Pittalus to
get mended.
BDELY
CLEON
You are incorrigible.
ACCUSER (to his witness)
At all events, make a note of his reply. (They start to leave.)
PHILO
CLEON
Listen, instead of going off so abruptly. A woman at Sybaris broke
a box.
ACCUSER (to his witness)
I again ask you to witness this.
PHILO
CLEON
The box therefore had the fact attested, but the woman said,
"Never worry about witnessing the matter, but hurry off to buy a
cord to tie it together with; that will be the more sensible course."
ACCUSER
Oh! go on with your ribaldry until the Archon calls the case.
(He and his witness depart.)
BDELYCLEON (to PHILOCLEON)
By Demeter! you'll stay here no longer! I am going to take you and
carry you off.
PHILO
CLEON
And what for?
BDELY
CLEON
What for? I am going to carry you into the house, so that the
accusers will not run out of witnesses.
PHILO
CLEON
One day at Delphi, Aesop....
BDELY
CLEON
I don't care a fig for that.
PHILO
CLEON
....was accused of having stolen a sacred vase. But he replied,
that the horn-beetle....
BDELY
CLEON
Oh, dear, dear! You'll drive me crazy with your horn-beetle.
(PHILOCLEON goes on with his fable while BDELYCLEON is carrying him
off the scene by main force.)
CHORUS(singing)
I envy you your happiness, old man. What a contrast to his
former frugal habits and his very hard life! Taught now in quite
another school, he will know nothing but the pleasures of ease.
Perhaps he will jibe at it, for indeed it is difficult to renounce
what has become one's second nature. However, many have done it, and
adopting the ideas of others, have changed their use and wont. As
for Philocleon's son, I, like all wise and judicious men, cannot
sufficiently praise his filial tenderness and his tact. Never have I
met a more amiable nature, and I have conceived the greatest
fondness for him. How he triumphed on every point in his discussion
with his father, when he wanted to bring him back to more worthy and
honourable tastes!
XANTHIAS (coming out of the house)
By Bacchus! Some Evil Genius has brought this unbearable
disorder into our house. The old man, full up with wine and excited by
the sound of the flute, is so delighted, so enraptured, that he is
spending the night executing the old dances that Thespis first
produced on the stage, and just now he offered to prove to the
modern tragedians, by disputing with them for the dancing prize,
that they are nothing but a lot of old dotards.
(BDELYCLEON comes out of the house with his father who is costumed
as POLYPHEMUS in Euripides' Cyclops.)
PHILO
CLEON
"Who loiters at the door of the vestibule?"
XANTHIAS
Here comes our pest, our plague!
PHILO
CLEON
Let down the barriers. The dance is now to begin.
(He begins to dance in a manner grotesquely parodying that of
Euripides.)
XANTHIAS
Or rather the madness.
PHILO
CLEON
Impetuous movement already twists and racks my sides. How my
nostrils wheeze! how my back cracks!
XANTHIAS
Go and fill yourself with hellebore.
PHILO
CLEON
Phrynichus is as bold as a cock and terrifies his rivals.
XANTHIAS
He'll be stoned.
PHILO
CLEON
His leg kicks out sky-high....
XANTHIAS
....and his arse gapes open.
PHILO
CLEON
Mind your own business. Look how easily my leg-joints move.
Isn't that good?
XANTHIAS
God, no, it's merely insane!
PHILOCLEON
And now I summon and challenge my rivals. It there be a tragic
poet who pretends to be a skilful dancer, let him come and contest the
matter with me. Is there one? Is there not one?
XANTHIAS
Here comes one, and one only.
(A very small dancer, costumed as a crab, enters.)
PHILOCLEON
Who is the wretch?
XANTHIAS
The younger son of Carcinus.
PHILOCLEON
I will crush him to nothing; in point of keeping time, I will
knock him out, for he knows nothing of rhythm.
XANTHIAS
Ah! ah! here comes his brother too, another tragedian, and another
son of Carcinus.
(Another dancer, hardly larger than the first, and similarly
costumed, enters.)
PHILOCLEON
Him I will devour for my dinner.
XANTHIAS
Oh! ye gods! I see nothing but crabs. Here is yet another son of
Carcinus.
(A third dancer enters, likewise resembling a crab, but smaller
than either of the others.)
PHILOCLEON
What's this? A shrimp or a spider?
XANTHIAS
It's a crab,-a hermit-crab, the smallest of its kind; it writes
tragedies.
PHILOCLEON
Oh! Carcinus, how proud you should be of your brood! What a
crowd of kinglets have come swooping down here! But we shall have to
measure ourselves against them. Have marinade prepared for seasoning
them, in case I prove the victor.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Let us stand out of the way a little, so that they may twirl at
their ease.
CHORUS
(It divides in two and accompanies with its song the wild
dancing of PHILOCLEON and the sons of CARCINUS in the centre of the
Orchestra.) Come, illustrious children of this inhabitant of the
brine, brothers of the shrimps, skip on the sand and the shore of
the barren sea; show us the lightning whirls and twirls of your nimble
limbs. Glorious offspring of Phrynichus, let fly your kicks, so that
the spectators may be overjoyed at seeing your legs so high in air.
Twist, twirl, tap your bellies, kick your legs to the sky. Here
comes your famous father, the ruler of the sea, delighted to see his
three lecherous kinglets. Go on with your dancing, if it pleases
you, but as for us, we shall not join you. Lead us promptly off the
stage, for never a comedy yet was seen where the Chorus finished off
with a dance.
THE END
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